The holidays are nearly here. And parties, family gatherings, get-togethers with friends, and enormous Christmas dinners come hand in hand. It can be easy to forget that the festive season is about spending time with those we love, not just hopping around from gathering to gathering.
Depending on your family and friends, it can also be a time for overconsumption - and not just food. In fact, alcohol use goes up by 2x over the holidays. This can pose particular challenges for people in recovery. Being surrounded by triggers and temptation leads to relapse. How can you support your friend or family member trying to recover during this time?
Do's & Don'ts of Supporting a Sober Friend
You can help your loved one by being supportive of their sobriety. Educate yourself so that you know warning signs or how to recognize relapse. Knowing how to help and being supportive will go a long way toward building trust in your relationship.
You may assume you know the best way to help, but your friend or family member might have different ideas. For example, you may believe that that person cannot be around any alcohol, so you opt not to ask them to join. 99% of the time, they won't be mad at you for inviting them. They might, however, be upset if you avoid them altogether.
The best way to work out how to support your friend is by asking them. If you're genuinely trying to be supportive, having that conversation with them is the best approach.
Having a Conversation with a Person in Recovery About Expectations
Starting a conversation might be uncomfortable, but opening the door is the first step.
Be Open-Minded and Listen
Stay open-minded when talking to someone in recovery. Regardless of the closeness of your relationship, some people may be guarded during or after treatment. There is a fine line between being supportive and invasive, so try your best to empathize.
You could ask them if they are okay with having this conversation with you. State your intentions.
Once they open up, ask them about the things they are uncomfortable with. Do they feel comfortable attending a gathering or party where they know people will be drinking? Can you provide anything to make the event more enjoyable for them?
Remember to qualify their needs. Please don't treat them like they are different. Using tact is essential, as you want to create comfort and ease. Trust is vital when talking to those in recovery. Do not set expectations on how they will react, and do not hold preconceptions of how you think they should respond.
Ask yourself what you can do for them. What new or different ways can you spend time together. Are there activities they would like to do together that are not related to the consumption of alcohol? Ask simple, open-ended questions about their treatment and recovery so they can speak as they see fit, on their own terms.
Be Aware of Triggers
Ask them if they feel comfortable sharing their triggers with you, what they need if they are triggered, and how you can support them. It's important to remember that everyone's triggers are entirely different. Being around alcohol certainly might be a trigger, but so might a particular smell, person, place, or even emotion. Therefore, let them tell you. From there, what adjustments can you make to ensure everyone at the gathering has a great time while not triggering your sober friend or family member?
Once you have had this conversation, you will understand their expectations and how you can be more inclusive.
Before the Event
Planning is the key to success. Suppose you know someone in recovery is joining in on the festivities. In that case, you can create a more inclusive space by organizing activities that don't just involve drinking. For example, you could plan to play fun holiday games or bring out that dusty deck of cards for original fun.
Mixing people who drink and others who are struggling with addiction might result in an uncomfortable situation for both. Games and activities are not only a way to make the event more engaging but are excellent icebreakers.
Last but not least, another way to help others be more inclusive is by assisting them in understanding what is and isn't okay to say to someone in recovery. Here are some examples of questions that would be insensitive to ask a person in recovery. Let's jump in!
Questions to avoid asking someone who doesn't drink
Are you the designated driver? If someone in recovery has joined in on the festivities, they didn't necessarily do so to drive everyone around. They want to enjoy their time, the same as you.
Why did you quit? I was thinking of giving up drinking to save money. Asking someone in recovery why they stopped might make them feel uncomfortable. This is especially the case if others assume they know the reason. Addiction is a disease, and 'choosing' to quit for reasons like saving money or losing weight is not valid for an addict.
I was going to invite you, but you don't drink. Some might think that not asking someone is a nice thing to do, but it isn't. Not inviting someone makes the person feel unwanted.
Did you get a DUI or something? Was it bad? If someone wants to share their story, they will. But jumping to conclusions about what their situation is will not help.
What's wrong with you? It may seem obvious not to ask this question, but you would be surprised at how many people actually do. This will make the person feel like an alien, unwelcome, and as though they are doing something wrong.
Did you go to AA? What was that like? Alcoholics Anonymous is anonymous for a reason. Please don't bring it up unless they want to talk about it.
Come on, can't you have just one? Loosen up. One turns into five, and five turns into ten. There is no 'just one' for someone who is in recovery.
These things seem easy enough to avoid. Still, you might be surprised to know these are common mistakes people make when communicating with loved ones or friends in treatment, especially in social gatherings. Share these questions with your mutual friends and family, so they know how best to approach the situation.
Remember What The Holidays Mean to You
Our loved ones may be experiencing a difficult time during the holidays. A supportive family and friend group is essential to enduring and persevering through tricky times. Having a good base to draw from will get you started in caring for a loved one with an addiction. Always remember that you are not alone. There are trained professionals ready to assist in any way that they can.
If you are struggling with the consequences of a loved one's or your own addiction, reach out to The Walker Center to get the help you need. Our trained professionals helped thousands of people find freedom from addiction. Get in touch now.
