Facing the realization that your friend or loved one has been abusing drugs or alcohol is a tough reality to face. You may have noticed signs that your friend or family member has been struggling with a private battle or recently discovered their problem. Opening a dialogue about their substance abuse is a process often plagued by feelings of guilt, self-blame, worry, and frustration, but providing your loved one with a safe and supportive foundation can help them recognize they need help and keep them committed to recovery.
Feeling overwhelmed or not sure where to begin? Here are a few tips for getting started.
First Steps
You have identified a reason to discuss your loved one's substance use, but you aren't sure how to express your concerns without making things worse or hurting the relationship. Informing yourself and committing to learning about their experience is a great first step toward easing yourself into the process. Before you approach them about your concerns, consider these stepping stones as a guide:
Try to Understand their Experience
It can be terrifying to face the truth about alcohol and drug abuse. However, gaining a better understanding of the issues they are grappling with will provide you with valuable insight into their experience. Learning about the substances they are abusing, and what the recovery process will be like, helps inform you of their motivations, needs, and vulnerabilities. This is fundamental to approaching a conversation about substance use with empathy and awareness.
Consider Their Needs
Once you have a better understanding of what they may be dealing with, you can better identify what your loved one needs from you in this process. If they are struggling with a deep sense of guilt or remorse about their experience, they don’t need to be shamed by someone they care about. Those who may need guidance around other issues related to their substance abuse, like mental health concerns or disordered eating, may require additional support. Like all humans, those who wrestle with substance use have needs and realities that are unique to their experience. Having a better understanding of these needs will lead to a more compassionate exchange.
Set Reasonable Expectations
The process of confronting their behavior isn’t usually as simple as movies or television would have you believe. The truth is that opening a conversation with them about their substance misuse is not always well-received. It’s difficult to know what to expect when going into this process. Try to be compassionate with yourself and your friend or family member while also being mindful of how your optimism or concern might view things. Setting realistic expectations about the conversation can help you establish a more secure foundation of support for your loved one.
Practice Voicing Your Concerns
Finding the right words to express your worries is difficult and it can be even harder to find them in the heat of the moment. Possessing a clear understanding of what you're feeling and how your loved one's substance abuse is affecting their life is crucial to having an honest and empathetic conversation. It may make you feel more comfortable by practicing talking to your friend or loved one in the mirror, or in a journal, first. This will help you feel more confident speaking your truth and explaining your concerns more clearly.
Don’t Do This
Blame, Shame, or Threaten
Allowing your emotions to drive the conversation can lead to casting blame, shaming, or threatening them to motivate them to change. These behaviors may push them further from seeking help. Try communicating how you have been affected by their drug or alcohol abuse without placing blame and addressing boundaries around their behavior with empathy and compassion.
Make The Conversation About You
It is also important to make sure the conversation doesn’t accidentally shift focus. Your perspective is relevant, but this dialogue isn’t about you. Shifting the focus exclusively to how you’ve been affected and how you are struggling to cope can diminish what your loved one is going through. This conversation is about helping them, not bombarding them or forcing them to take responsibility for your pain.
Neglect Yourself
Providing support for someone struggling with a substance use disorder is both an admirable and grueling feat. Friends and family members are subject to a wide range of complex emotions and experiences in this process, and it’s important to ensure you are not attempting to help at the expense of your mental health and overall well-being. There are tools available to you that you can use to find support. Speaking with a counselor or support group, journaling, and getting enough exercise and sleep are just a few ways you can ensure you are showing up for them as the best version of yourself.
Responding to the Unexpected
So, you tried to talk to them about their drug use, and the conversation didn’t go as you hoped. When confronted, it is common for those who abuse drugs and alcohol to shut down, get defensive, or respond angrily. They may be reluctant to change or overwhelmed and frightened by the idea of a future without substance abuse. Don’t get discouraged. It’s called a process for a reason, and it may take more than one attempt to facilitate a conversation. Take a step back and reconsider how your approach could be improved before trying again.
Encouraging your friend or family member to get help is challenging but is also an essential part of assisting your loved one on their path to recovery. If you open the conversation and your loved one is motivated to seek help, you can start by helping them review what treatment option is best for them or read more about The Walker Center here.
When you’re ready to reach out, we’ll be here.
